Shame on Me

This incident happened weeks ago but I still feel the burden in me. Not as much as on the day it happens but still.

Anyway, after a run, I tried to seduce him. I haven't been in contact with a man since May 2016, and he's sexy AF, can't help myself. When he said no repeatedly, I immediately regretting it but I already went too far with it, so i continued to do so. Until at one point, I can sense the negative vibes from him. I'm so embarrassed about it that I lose my mind. Either he's not in the mood or he just don't see me the way I see him. I feel very conflicted at that time. Mad at myself, ashamed of what I did, feel bad for him.

Embarrassed cause making a move is so not me, I feel very slutty, no class. Embarrassed cause now he thinks I'm a slut. Embarrassed cause I allow myself went that far, making him uncomfortable. Embarrassed cause I know I can do better than being this hoe.

The whole day after that 'sexual assault', I beat myself. I'm not in the mood to do anything. I want my life to be over with cause I'm over myself. I'm mad cause I allow myself to get that low. I feel like I don't have any dignity left in me. I fucked up something so meaningful to me just cause I'm that horny.

He texted me soon after and told me, he did feel so uncomfortable. My heart broke. I didn't mean to crossed the line. I thought we're cool before. I'm a mess. Man, even writing this, still gives me that feeling ashamed of myself. Heavy on my heart.

The next day, he texted me again and asked me for a lunch 'date.' When I get the text, I literally had tears in my eyes cause I don't think I deserve such treatment from him. We went out, it was a good outing. Been awhile since I had a lunch date with him, let alone anyone. When he dropped me off at my office, I told him that i'm so sorry again, he told me that is "so yesterday." It does make me feel better, knowing that he is fine with it but I'm still ashamed with myself, as it should be.

It's good to know that he resisted to my sexual invitation cause now I know if anyone else did the same, he's not that easy to tempt. But in a way, maybe I wasn't as appealing to him. That sucks. Not only I stoop so low, my self esteem plummeted too.

We still talk & meet to these days. Just had a great weekend with him, last week. But still, I feel very much ashamed of myself. I could be drove him away with what I did. But I want him closer. :(

One thing for sure, I'm a fucked up.

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