FEELINGS THAT I HIDE

Almost a week, my family mourning the loss of our hero and actually there are many feelings still hiding in my mind. Truthfully, i still can't believe it. Tomorrow will be last day i wear this little black cloth on my right hand means the last day we will paying respect to my dad, spiritually.

Hmm...

Lets spread all the things here, so i don't have to bother about it anymore (can't promise though).

4th July 2010

This is day where American seeing firework in the sky but to me, its the day my last meet with my dad, alive. That was the day i was ready to go back to Kuching for my fifth semester and luckily, i used airplane (instead of bus, per usual). If i used bus, i have to go back the day before today cause the journey to Kuching takes 14-16 hours. OMG! It just hit me! My dad was the one who encourage me to used airplane. OMG. OMG. Like he want to spend more with me cause he know he will never get the time anymore after that. OMG. OMG. Now i know. OMG. OMG.

My flight scheduled to flown at 1.00pm and my dad want to send me to airport with his motor but the weather was jealous of us. So, halfway from my home to airport, we stop at the corner of the road caused the rain getting heavy. I asked help from my brother in law to send me to the airport. After my brother in law came to fetch me with his Vios, that was the last time i saw my dad. He didn't get the chance to send me. But he did ask me to study well.

I will never ever forget that moment. His looks is so fragile but at the same time, very strong. You would never ever expect him to die, four months after that.

Between that day till 20th October 2010

The last conversation i have with him was when i called him to tell him about my trip to Terengganu and Johor/Singapore. He was proud of me and wish me luck. He did mentioned that if i need any additional money, don't afraid to ask from him. My dad health start to deteriorate, until at some point (on 23rd Sept) he was admitted to ICU. During my trip to Johor/Singapore, i get the chance to hear his voice but he can barely talk as he was just removed from ICU ward and tired. From what my mom told me, he can't walk and refused to eat. So, he have to take unpaid leave.

My mom also need to take unpaid leave cause (this is what she told me) she think she should spend more time with my dad and taking care of him. Money can be find anywhere but not your love one. Her employer say that she only can quit her job if she want to take the leave. My mom was like : "Fired me if you want to but i'm not going on holiday for this leave, i'm taking care of my sick husband"

Only after that word, they approved my mom's a month leave. Suck that, bitches. My mom is no dumb. She just proved that you are dumberer than her.

During my birthday week, my dad condition was in progress. I was told that he was okay. So, i celebrate my birthday like no one else did. Little did i know, a week after that, he was getting worst again. My dad need a tube to get the food into his body system and all he do was lying around cause his body can't take it anymore. My mom once called me, asking me when will i going home. I told her that i will be back in the middle of Nov. She thought i would be back at the end of October. I could hear she was talking while crying. That was on 18th October, a day before my BFFs seat for their MUET.

20102010 and 21st October 2010

After my sister told my dad that i can't go back (READ last two posts to get along with the storyline), my family noticed that my dad was like giving up the fight.

That fact just make me more like an asshole. That night too, he agreed to sign a document (i don't really know what it is) as a symbol that he would not get back to work again. During the last four months, he refused to quit his day job cause he think he still capable to do it (he was put in the coffin with his work uniform cause he was so passionate to go back to work). He even think that he would go back to work on 4th November 2010.

Next day, I go to the QMT class at 9.00am. When my friends asked me to eat some, i don't have the appetite suddenly.

According to my mom, my brother asked her to not going to work cause he think that my dad is in weird behavior. So, my mom stay. At 11.30am, my mom fellow cleaner at Shell called her. They want to pay a visit to my dad. My dad able to asked who was calling after that call. My mom inform him that her friend will coming. He nodded calmly.

At 11.50am, my mom colleague arrived and 5 minutes after that, my dad breath his last breathe. Its like his waiting for my mom colleague to get to see him alive and not disappoint them.

At the other side of the world, in my dad best friend (named Thomas) room, the decoration in his room start to break and falling down. He immediately go to our home after that and just like what he thought, it happened. He just lost his best friend.

I received the news from my sister just after i finished the class (i was still in the class) and i just go blank. When Miehoon asked me about a question on the calculation we just done, i answer her without even think of it. I was totally blur and blank. Then Imah asked me what was the call all about, i just said "Nothing."

Immediately after that, i go straight to the toilet and then it hit me, hard. I cried and i aim my fist at the wall. I just lost my dad and i wasn't even there to be him, in his last moment. After i told my friends what is really going on, we straight going to bus terminal.

22nd October 2010 and the day that follow.

This is the first time i saw a master differences between yesterday and today.

Before i knew it (it was 16 hours long), i arrived at Miri. When i saw my dad's body lying lifeless, i straight go to hug my mom and cried. My mom even told me that my dad always said this :

"Poor Jack, he don't have mobile phones. I don't have money to buy him one cause i'm not working." That totally hit me hard. Then i hugs my sisters and broke down into tears. The look in their face was screaming "We don't have dad anymore"

I try to keep myself busy the entire time of the memorial service. Cause when i'm alone, i think about it a lot and that is not the definition of strong. Everytime when people asked me when i arrived at Miri, i just feel it like a knife stabbed into my heart. I will always be the son that never get the chance to see his father.

When they put my dad into the coffin, that totally torn me down (before that, i was honored to put some of his best outfits in it too). I have my breakdown moment after that. That was the last time i could touch him. During the morning of the funeral day, i breakdown into tears again as i hugs the coffin tightly. When we were on the truck heading to the church, it was really the saddest moment in our family life. The fact that my dad really love to move into our new house and he just barely living in it about two years is just pathetic and sad.

728 is my dad's tomb address. After we leaving the cemetery, the day start raining. It was not heavily raining. More like sad type of raining.

That was the last moment of a hero that would always be in our heart forever. May God forgive him for what he done in this world in his entire life and place him sitting next to You.

p/s : My sister told me that i was his 'anak kebanggaan'. I remember when he told the entire of the villagers about my SPM result and my application to further my study at UiTM is accepted. Not that it was really great but it was good and he proud of it. Even though i am closer to my mom but i was actually spending more time with him compare to my siblings, i just never realized it.

REST IN PEACE, DAD.