Out And About


Written on 17th February 2012

I am gay. Hey y’all. What a way to start an entry, right? Even top blogger in Malaysia can’t top that.

Anyway, I was being shady for the past years and days about my sexuality preferences, that is just because this thing is taboo to some people. I don’t really like to address it anyway. It is not something universal or accepted widely. I am smart enough to know it’s a sin to love someone the same gender as me but I can’t help to have feeling for male, only.

Back in 2006, I was in ‘love’ with a 30 years old man from Sabah. Our relationship lasted for four years before I dumped him for good because he doesn’t know I am a male and I lied to him that I am a female. I can’t hold the lies any longer, so I said to him that I don’t love him anymore. He was a great partner, very passionate in love. He always spoilt me with gifts that he sent from Sabah. We even planned to get married on 10th October 2010. Until this day, he doesn’t know the so called greatest love he ever had, is that I am male, a very immature and stupid one, indeed.

After we broke up, I rarely texted him but when I lost my phone back in 2010 on the trip to Johor and Singapore, I lost his number too, until to this very day. I can’t remember his number but I wish the best thing in his life right now and forever. He deserves the best in all kind of things. I am very deeply sorry to him and his family, and I know that is not enough.

A month or so before my 20th birthday, I met someone via Tagged, we extended our network to Facebook and surprisingly, he was my secondary school’s junior. We were flirting with each other and on the night of 20st October 2010, he was about to, kind of, propose to me to bring our relationship to the next level but I wasn’t in the mood on that day, so I don’t entertain his web call. The next day, I found out my dad lost his battle to cancer in Miri when I was in Kuching. When I back to Miri, I told him about that and he wasn’t really there for me, so two weeks after that, I called off the thing going on between us.

I was bitter about love after that and I wasn’t looking for anybody until come this very attractive guy on May 2011. He was very charming, sweet, funny, caring and smart, how could I resist such personality. I was at Kuching at that time and he apparently live in Miri; until this very day, I always in love with him.

Yes, I am so in love with him but there are something that shouldn’t be discuss here about him, so to alleviate my feeling, I’m open for business. During that time to this very day, I was in three relationships that I am not proud of and totally ashamed of. I would never do that again. The first one was a guy I met via Twitter. He totally flirting with me and when I am kind of in love with him (yet, not as much as I love the guy above), he told me that he is in a relationship with another guy. Foolishly, I pursue to love him until end of 2011 when I let him go because all he wants was sex.

Okay, the second guy was actually the one that I dumped before we even start a relationship. Yes, he was the one who was my junior in my school years. I start flirting with him, to see if we can work it out for the second time. We met eventually and do some dates but I just don’t love him, although he claimed that he is madly in love with me. He was nice and sweet but sometimes, he can be a bit rough with his language and I don’t really like what he is doing to his girlfriends. So, just last hour, I called it off again. I just don’t want to be in a relationship that I am not confident with, at all. It is proof that, don’t ever date your ex. If the first one didn’t work out, why would the second one is a success?

The third guy I am in relationship with, in the same time that I still love the guy I met in May 2011, was the one I met just recently. He is sweet and incredibly funny. Before he confessed to me that he love me at first sight, I am acknowledge that he is in two relationships, one with a Malaya girl and one with a married guy. Stupidly, I accepted his ‘proposal’. Gladly, I just dumped him as I’m writing this entry because all he wants, like the other gays’ sex predator, is sex.

There you go. The details that nobody should know but I exclusively reveal it to you guys. I am not proud of them and I just want to teach some lessons to younger gays, that don’t fall in love with someone too quick, choose wisely cause mostly gay just want to have sex with you, especially if you are hot as me. They don’t see our feeling; they just want our penis and asshole.

p/s: I am still madly in love with the guy I met in May 2011. He has never touched (read: make love with) me, he just touches my heart and that is just the way I love it.

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